Compassionate Communication is what helps us humans connect and truly understand each other. Marshall Rosenberg, a famous psychologist, designed a methodology for making real connections which he called Non-Violent Communication (NVC) because it excludes any form of judgment, diagnosis or analysis.
NVC is designed using four key components:
1. Observed behaviour: He painstakingly worked with participants and clients to distinguish observed behaviour from opinion, diagnosis or rationalization.
If we are asked what behaviour of our manager made us feel frustrated, we may say "He always wants to be in the limelight" or "She plays favourites." This is an opinion, not an observable behaviour.
An observable behaviour may sound like "At the end of my presentation, my manager spoke for another 20 minutes repeating what I had presented. He did not mention my work" or "My manager appreciated Sonia's work 3 times in the last 1 week."
2. Feelings: He then helps us to understand that feelings are the emotion that we feel in our heart, and not a thought that we get in our mind. Like "I feel joyful when I see my child growing into a confident young lady" or "I feel disappointed when I see all the hard work of months get overlooked."
3. Needs: the most amazing part of the NVC model seems to be the connection between needs and feelings. Firstly, Marshall points out that all humans have the same set of needs and all needs are beautiful - For example, behind the feeling of joy may be a need for achievement. And behind the feeling of disappointment may be a need for recognition. What changes from person to person is the way we choose to fulfil our needs. Secondly, fulfilled needs lead to positive happy feelings, and unmet needs lead to negative or sad feelings.
He uses the analogy of a car to describe the link between needs and feelings. The fuel tank is like the Need and the fuel gauge displays the Feeling. So behind every feeling, there is a fulfilled or unmet need.
This is the key point in Marshall's model - with our usual upbringing we are unable to distinguish observations from diagnoses, unable to recognize our feelings, and most importantly, we very rarely recognize the needs behind the feelings. He calls this "Jackal language". Then he introduces the "Giraffe language" where we are always looking for observable behaviour, feelings and the needs that are behind the feelings.
4. Requests: the fourth and final component of NVC is making a request. Marshall clarifies that firstly we, ourselves, are responsible for fulfilling our Needs and there are many strategies to fulfil our needs. Others, who we may approach to help us fulfil our needs can only facilitate this fulfilment. And that is only if they accept to meet our requests. When someone meets our request, it will fulfil our need only if it comes from a place of wanting to truly give. The attitude with which one gives makes all the difference. He says True giving is when the giver feels the joy that a child feels when she feeds a hungry duck. Here is the link to the song he plays to describe this natural way of giving and receiving.
Conversely, if any giving is done out of a sense of duty, or obligation or under force, everyone pays for it in the end.
What if we try to observe the behaviour instead of jumping to judgment or diagnoses?
What if we notice what people feel instead of only listening to their words?
What if we search deeper for the needs that are behind their feelings instead of just looking at the surface?
#compassionatecommunication #nonviolentcommunication #nonjudgment #lifecoaching #thrivingrelationships
Source and Video: Marshall Rosenberg
Photo by Hiu Yan Chelsia Choi on Unsplash
The Author, Anuj Chadha, is Founder of Three Circles - Coaching to create the Life that you love! At Three Circles, we come with a deep understanding of what it takes to navigate the challenges that life throws at us. We partner with our clients, listen to their life aspirations, and support them to break through the obstacles that seem to be holding them back. Life is too precious to be unhappy, unsure, or unfulfilled. Give us the opportunity to partner with you as you re-imagine and re-create the Life that you Love!
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